Not fruitcake

Almost anything is better than fruitcake, but one thing is worse. I discovered exactly what this one thing was many, many years ago during the holiday season. I may have been around 9 years old, which would my brother 6 years old, and we were both totally hopped up on the excitement of Christmas. One day, my mom sent us over to our next-door neighbor's house to deliver a little gift. Now that I'm on the other side of childhood I can't imagine anything better than answering the doorbell and finding two giddy children delivering a wrapped present. Especially because that neighbor was an elderly woman who lived alone.

She immediately invited us inside the foyer where she kept this mind-blowing bowl of candies. At least that's how I remember it. They were those strawberry hard candies that have the chewy insides. You know the kind.

Good god, do I want one of those now. Or maybe even a mouthful of them. But I will push them out of my head and continue to write this story.

So while my brother and I are figuring out how to carry ten pieces of candy in each fist, she disappears into her kitchen and comes back with a bakery box for us to bring home. A holiday gift of her own. We thanked her with our mouths full of strawberry candy and stepped out onto her porch.

What could be inside the box? We carefully brought it home and begged my mom to open it right away. When she cut the strings and opened the box, we found a delicious-looking cake with white frosting inside.

Whatever happened after that has been permanently blurred in my memory.

I think the basic gist is that my mom cut into the cake and as soon as we recognized what we were looking at, we were forever scarred. In fact, if someone even mentions the words "sandwich" and "loaf" together I find myself fighting an urge to stuff my face with those strawberry candies at once. Just to get the memory off my taste buds.

From Wikipedia:

A sandwich loaf is a stacked party entrée that looks like a cake. While rare today, the food was quite popular during the mid 20th century in the United States. To create a sandwich loaf, bread is cut horizontally and spread with layers of filling. Common fillings include egg salad, chicken salad, ham salad, tuna salad, and Cheez Whiz, but other fillings are possible, including peanut butter and jelly and mock egg salad made from tofu. After the layers are assembled the entire loaf is coated with whipped cream cheese, which may be tinted with food coloring.

Bon Appétit!